Today I had a long chat with my brother and my next up sister. They both agree don't do the SSRIs and do quit the job. They both recommended temping as a good thing to do cos it exposes you to many different workplaces whilst you work out what you really want to aim for and what skills you really do have.
Why don't I want to take the drugs? Cos I am by no means suicidal. I am flat, but I've been stressed out of my nut for about a month now, and my self-confidence has been undermined to the point where I can't make a simple decision about what to do next. I still find joy in things, just not anything to do with work (except my walks along the Yarra). I believe that I can bootstrap myself out of this state - I've done it from worse positions before when I had less support than I have now. I may be a wusster and a *nice* girl who isn't pushy (unless you really start treading on me) but somewhere in the fluff is a band of steel. I just have to get out before my job sucks the rest of my soul out of me. It is just a job, not a life sentence.
Today one of my nephews said to my brother "You really like water." He does. What I had not realised is the affinity I have for it too, until I drove along and saw this view:
and my heart swelled and ached for seeing the ocean (OK, it is Bass Strait but it is still the ocean to me)(BTW, that is what Californians would call a Monterey pine - they grow like weeds here even though they are endangered in the wild there. That sort of pine is used widely in industry and homes here and forms the basis of a huge forestry industry.)
I also love shots like this:
No through road - no kidding, eh?
It's been so long since I've seen an ocean beach. So long since I've walked along a beach with surf, well if not crashing onto it, at least making interesting surfy sounds. I had forgotten how much I like it. Admittedly I am not so keen on being immersed in this water cos in winter it is fridge temperature (around 4 degrees C) and even in summer it only gets to around 15 if you're lucky. Even so there was one very small girl with a very small boogie board splashing around in the shallows. But seeign it is good enough. Hearing it and smelling it. Ahhhhhh.
The sock hopped out of the car and started posing:
It was a little blue cos it was not very warm.
It wanted to go down the stairs to play in the sand, but we all know that socks and sand mix all too well, so well that they are never parted again.... Sock had to deal with being stuffed in a pocket and not being able to play in the sand or smell the seaweed.
But the clouds were threatening
and the sock got scared and wanted to get back in the car.
So we drove along another few km and found this place:
(Anyone recognise it?) The sock really wanted to be in shots of a place that is famous. Admittedly the most famous shack on the beach was knocked down and replaced with a nice kiosk instead. Sorta changed the character a bit. Unfortunately Mr Camera's batteries decided to peg it at that very instant, so I didn't get all the shots the sock wanted to be in. The sock was a bit grouchy about that but I reminded it that it had to go home, and if we didn't leave soon, the traffic across the Westgate Bridge would be horrid. We can always come back another day....
I so love the sea, and the rivers, and lakes, and water in general as long as it isn't tamed. There is little in the way of natural lakes or rivers around here - a flood retarding basin that you can't reach, a creek that is more a concrete drain...
If I remember correctly, the winter solstice is typically regarded as a time of rebirth, of new beginnings. The shortest, darkest day is come (though in reality, the worst weather is yet to come but within 7 weeks or so we will start getting real harbingers of spring). Here's to new beginnings and the regrowth of confidence lost and the regaining of my soul. Those in the northern hemispehre - enjoy your long days for the cycle continues and long days will become short, as ours will become long. This is the time when I wish I could scry the future and know whether I am making the right decision, but the lightness in my heart that fills me when I think of leaving tells me it is the right thing to do.