Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Paralysis

G'day all!

Do you ever find yourself so overwhelmed with all the things that have to be done that you end up wheel-spinning and doing the unimportant stuff simply cos it is unimportant?

Well that is where I am now. I haven't sent off a single job app yet because I have to rewrite my resume. I find it hard enough to sell myself normally, and now that my boss has been systematically tearing down my self-esteem (I got another thing today pointing out what I am doing wrong), I am starting to wonder what I have to offer! Every time I pick myself up and carry on, I get another thing pointing out how crap I am compared to what she expects. I am expected to impress every person every time. Tain't ever going to happen cos my very existence on this planet seems to offend some people straight off!

I think I am getting the same results-focussed management as she expects to get. She is ambitious and much more driven than I am. I am too laid back, maybe even laissez faire, and aware (despite what my boss thinks) that the way I act can impact others significantly. I try to be polite and decent to people, but I don't always succeed cos that is the nature of things. Everyone expects different stuff. Anyway, it is time to move on, and I must move on. Hopefully in another six months all of this will just be a bad dream.

I've noticed that a few of the people I went to uni with are what could be described as underachievers. I don't really know why. We are all clever people, but the big wide world is a scary scary place with people who are all too willing to have a go at the "tall poppies" and ensure that they stay where they should be - gentle spirits crushed and underfoot. Also our early training at school (schools that did not exactly stop the bullies and the kids who couldn't deal with anyone being different or cleverer than they were, or teach us how to cope with rejection by our peers) is so hard to get past. How many of you out there reading this blog can relate to that? How many of you were the social misfits and retards? How many of you still fear rejection when you go into an unfamiliar social situation, even though school is 5, 10, 20, 40 years ago? I still find I can't break free of some of that early training, though I have learned to bluff my way through relatively speaking. I don't think I ever reached my full potential, and I doubt I ever will, bt then again that goes for most of the population, so I am in good company there.

It's funny how my old fears rear their ugly heads when I get stressed or unhappy about stuff. It still surprises me how unhappy I am about having to move out of this rut. It requires effort and things I am not so good at doing (eg selling myself and remembering things - anyone else get memory challenged when stressed?).

Enough head-waffling. You are here for the knitting! Or maybe the pretty colours you might sometimes see here. Well instead I'll show you a little of the spinning I've been doing recently. Ha!

A while ago I put dyed up some plum and citrus tops just to see what the colours were like and how they dilute. I eventually spun up the tops and plied them with a bit of silk. The plum and citrus is the top skein pretty obviously.


Then there is the original skein of spinning the blues, plus a new one with added fluffy bits (I still haven't worked out if it is mohair or a long curly strong wool like English Leicester)


There's a bit over 80m of the citriplum yarn, and 75m in one skein and 48m plus 33m with fluff on the spinning the blues skeins. If you like either of them, let's do a deal!

Cheshire has taken to sleeping on one of Nutmeg's favourite spots - the pink fleecy on the back of the couch.

She is actually awake in this shot - four seconds earlier she gave me a Look of Death. If you saw one of the shots I took of her, you'd know why - it highlighted her backside nicely.... (Scusy the blurry bit in the middle of the pic - there was a grotty bit on the lens... oops)

Finally the moon was a bit freaky on the night it was full. It had a little weeny halo around it and was wafting through clouds. (pic not clickable)


anon!

8 comments:

  1. I can see what your getting at!I have to apply for the maternity leave position for the twelve mths that my work partner is off on (a bit earlier than I thought and preferred for various reasons) and I am having trouble starting the resume which has to appy for a position at a level 5 when I previously applied for a level 2,my confidence is not great either even though a lot of senior staff have given me lots of encouragement (I already do the job I am applying for)
    I have found I have some social problems that after much thought ,I have come to the conclusion that I may share some autistic traits that are obvious in my 4th son( the senior gardener has covered my butt a few times by explaining that I grew up in isolation among men in the workforce)Meaning I am a bit blunt and to the point....hmmmm makes for an interesting workplace, relationship wise....
    On another note lovely wool,very envious as I haven't been able to do any spinning for a while....
    PS sorry for the ramble

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  2. I totally understand the paralysis. I can easily overwhelm myself with everything that needs to be done, to such an extent that I get nothing done. What I try to do (not always successfully) is to just take little bits and do those, slow and steady progress.

    I know what you mean about school, too - I was the smart, weird misfit. Too tall, too lost in books. I think that we can never leave the early stuff behind entirely - we can make progress beyond it, but it still lurks quietly in a corner of our psyche.

    Bit by bit. :)

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  3. Yep I can relate to what you said :-) You used to see it in promotion boards, where they would tend to promote only those who (a) were "yes men" and (b) didn't threaten those already in the higher positions. This is why DH left 7 years ago to work in the private sector.

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  4. I think everyone can identify with what you are saying. I believe that I am an intelligent person, but despite other people saying positive things about my artwork, music-playing, spinning, knitting (just on the creative arts sides of me), I still feel as though I never, ever reach the potential that I believe I should. I must admit that I really feel that those aspects of my life are more the real me, rather than the work side, so I try to keep them at the forefront of my mind, rather than the comments of people at work.

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  5. Hello, Girly Swot and Social Misfit here!!! I have learned to be a 'real' person and have even developed excellent interpersonal and managemant skills - you have to when you have 32 Grade 5/6 children!! I think I went throught he education system at the time when society in general thought being justly proud of your achievements was PRIDE. We were taught NOT to blow our own trumpets or have any sort of positive self esteem!!!
    I think you are right - in 6 months it will all be but a memory!!

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  6. If you gotta go, you gotta go - and don't keep undervaluing your marketable skills!

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  7. Big Hug. That woman must be seriously jealous of you to act that way which you could take as a backwards compliment. I think being civil to people is the best way of getting people to cooperate you but I also have the same sort of boss who will trample over people to get to the top.

    I was also a geeky misfit at school. I didn't fit in with the in-crowd and being the only kid in my class whose parents were divorcing made it even harder so I was on my own a lot. The only thing that got me through it all was the teachers and doing well.

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  8. i hate hate hate hate hate looking for a new job. did i mention i hate job hunting? you have my sympathies, trust me.

    and as for the moon, once, about a year ago, there was a rainbow ring around it that took up half the sky. it was a cold night. i think it was going to snow. amazing to see.

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