For I want to crawl into a corner and shrivel up and die.
Y'know I've long known that I am different to other people (well we all are individuals, even the clown up the back who says "I'm not") but I am starting to really get my nose rubbed in it at the moment at work.
I'll try to illustrate what I mean.
Years ago I worked with a lady called Sueli. I believe it is a Portuguese name. I don't speak Portuguese or Spanish. I speak English. that is it. And understand a teensy bit of french and some written german and italian and stuff but I'm a native English speaker.
I could never say it to her satisfaction. I could not hear the difference between what she said and what I said. It was something to do with the e in it. It is somethign to do with being English and not havign that sound in our language. She never picked on anyone else and told them they were saying her name wrong in my hearing.
That is how I am at work at the moment. I am doing something badly wrong but I can't even figure out what it is. People tell me it isn't right but they can't tell me why and I can't hear or understand why it is wrong. Maybe I have asperger's and can't really relate to anyone or anything like normal humans do. I just thought I was an introvert and a bit shy but nope there's something more fundamentally broken than that.
I am not used to failing at anything I turn my hand to. I have failed classes but they didn't matter to me. This really matters. This is my job. This is the thing that keeps a roof over our heads and food on the table and yarn in the stash. This is what I do for a living.
I don't even know that I want to try to change it. In a way I do because because the bustedness annoys me and I desperately want to do the right thing, but in other ways I suspect it is likely to be fundamental to me, so much a part of me that I could no more change it than I could chop off my own arm. I've tried roleplaying being a model worker but that is so wearing and I still don't get it right anyway. How can I? I don't know what I am doing wrong.
I guess I should go find another job but I find other jobs that I think I am a great fit for and I try to persuade them that they need me cos I'll do a better job for them than anyone else, but I don't even get an interview. I leave the PhD off my resume and say I did research for five years instead. In my limited experience the PhD is more barrier than aid - I am not going for medical research jobs because my skills are not what are needed for most of the jobs I see (why no I can't do analytical chemistry or molecular biology, and no I don't have 5 or more years experience with them, and I will not bluff cos it is really obvious that I don't).
I am stuck. I really don't know what to do.
So give me some good news, please. Tell me good stories. Or give me your sob story so I can go and worry about someone else instead of me. OK?
Knitting content will return later. Knitting and spinning are good but they can't make my work situation better.