Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Getting a little punch drunk

G'day all!

Thank you for the reminders about looking after me and there's only so much I can do. I am aware of that but well life keeps on dealing out blows and after a while you start getting a little punch drunk.

Yesterday my eldest niece had an emergency caesar. I didn't know until this morning when I got a panicked email from my sister, her mother, which worried me greatly. My new great nephew came a month early, just like my first great niece did, and he is a bit of a tiddler at 4lb 4oz (we went metric in the early 70s. Babies are weighed in kilos but everyone says the weight in pounds, lol). My niece has had rhesus compatibility issues with both of them. BUt it is ok, he is doing well for a kid in a hurry. He'll be in hospital for a while whilst his lungs mature some more.

Then there has been the possibility of a trip to the US with Nathan's job. We would've gone to two old stamping grounds and NYC. (Note the we.) It also would've happened at the same time as Sock Summit. But he is concerned that he would fall behind in his work and he doesn't see the point of it all. I am horribly disappointed. I had hoped I would get a little (BIG) reward for putting up with so much. To be completely honest, I have had to deal with a helluva lot of crap since hmm, November 2009 when Nathan's US job disappeared. I don't talk about most of it because it is private and you don't want to tell all online, well I don't, cos you never known when it will come back to bite you. Cancer treatment I now realise was harder and took more out of me than I thought it had, then Nathan got a job in Sydney and we lived apart for a while, also no fun, and events went crazy and since then it has been a total rollercoaster. I've moved to a city where I have very little support and have not made a single friend of my own to date in nearly three months of living here. OK, I should try harder and go to knitty events and hang out in shops and hope I'll connect with someone. I should read the Sydney ravelry boards.

But I am completely knackered. I have Had. E. Nough. Every day I struggle to keep DH's spirits up whilst maintaining my own. I have no energy left for making connections.

I so wanted to have a nice trip, see some friends that I miss, see places that I fully expect never to see again. Everything changed when I was diagnosed with cancer. Making plans for the future is difficult when at any moment, the future could be taken away. OK, it could be taken away by me getting run over by a bus (or as nearly happened yesterday, a car who didn't look for a ped on the ped crossing). But the likelihood of me not making it to 50 is much much higher than for a woman who has not been diagnosed with cancer. And that underlies everything. (So why do I keep stashing like there's no tomorrow? Oh. That is why.)

The squashed cherry on the melted icecream is that Nathan's two best mates up here are moving to the office in Zurich. They have been his staunchest supporters all the way through. He came home and cried for an hour. He said they should go, he would go if he was given the opportunity.

So things are crappy. I am over crappiness. I would like the universe to say "Hey, you've had to deal with enough, here's something randomly good for you." But I know how it works and that sort of stuff only happens in movies.

(and today had started off as a quite good day too. I almost finished a new dress that I will wear to the craft show tomorrow - I only have to do some topstitching around the sleeves. The weather was quite warm before a cold change blew through. It will get better too. I have lambshanks in the oven cooking away. Isn't it funny how they practically used to be given away and after getting publicity, the things sell for anything up to $7 a piece! But mine didn't cost that much.)

Man, I can't wait for tomorrow, so today will be just another crappy day to be forgotten!

anon!

5 comments:

  1. Dear far far away e-friend,

    I can have an idea of how you are feeling.And I have no words that I think could helpm tou cope with this situation.I am always told that God does not give you a package that I can not carry.I guess that's true.But making new friends is definitely a good way of feeling renewed and stronger.
    Hugs from Brasil!

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  2. Aww - it would have been nice to see you and show you our new house!

    Perhaps you need a few days away on your own. Short vacation type days just relaxing and all. I know things are tough, so you might not be able to right now, but when you can it will do you a world of good.

    There is such a thing as too much togetherness!

    BTW - sunny and 35 here yesterday - warmer today.

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  3. Oh no, the disappointment of the trip and the scare of the Great nephew on top of the day to day of keeping an even keel happening is boggling. Man it's time life gave you a break.

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  4. I know how you feel :( Sending you a big hug. xxx

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  5. Life sucks sometimes and it just isn't fair. Sometimes you just run out f the ability to cope for a little while. I hope that your new dress cheers you up and you enjoy the craft show. Happy new great nephew!!! Glad all is well.

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