Having a bit of a pity party today.
DH had a go at me about not being proactive in doing stuff around the house. He isn't happy with me barely managing to keep up with cooking meals, doing the shopping, doing some house cleaning, dealing with most of the dishes and clothes washing, sitting looking at Ravelry too much, kntting, generally trying to hold things together, not making any money, not going out and getting a job, not taking pressure off him. I apparently need to plan things like our garden and our new kitchen (we'd have to take money out of the mortgage to pay for that), etc etc. Sorry, don't have that much brain power left. I can still think about stuff but it takes energy that I sometimes don't have. I certainly don't have much volition beyond knitting and spinning and managing to get food cooked.
It is odd how when your nearest and dearest have a go at you, you feel abandoned and unloved. None of this cancer business was in my plans. I didn't want to have to be sick to get better. I didn't want to be a useless lump of matter not doing the things that I'd like to do. I would like to be pulling my weight in regards to earning an income and doing "real" stuff around the house. I'm not used to needing to ask others to help me get stuff done.
(Note he did apologise for being a grumpy old fart - he's not yet 33! - and also said he was probably being a bit rough on me...)
Also it is the fourth anniversary of my father's death. I've said it before, he was old, it was his time to go (dementia and a broken hip) and I wouldn't call him back if I could cos he was too old and sick, but you still miss them. May isn't a happy month, what with my parents' deaths bookending the month and my MiL's best friend dying in the middle of the month, two weeks after my father.
On the good side? I think I staved off a trip to emergency today by taking Zyrtec. I had itchy itchy itchies! I rang up the chemo after hours number and they said if the antihistamines don't work, off you go to emergency. Well my feet are a bit sore still but nothing is itching now, so that is pleasing!
My black fingernails are scaring me a lot. I have to wear black nailpolish (already had to replace it after applying it yesterday!). Black dots on my fingers are scary.
Still haven't edited pics - my so bad! But I'll get there eventually.
Now I have to wait and see how I go with the Neulasta, the injection that will help my bone marrow produce more neutrophils (white blood cells that attack infections). I'm likely to feel like I've got the flu. But according to the paperwork with the injection, only about 20% of people get that sensation. About the same number feel flued from the chemo. So I might not feel craptastic but I might! We'll see. In the meantime, I have number of apples to chop up and stew, and some rhubarb to cook up with an orange - I am told the orange gets juiced and sliced, add a bit of sugar to taste, some cinnamon and all goes into the oven for half an hour or 45 minutes and comes out lovely! I shall go see if I can find the recipe.... Hmm, looks like I am fairly on the money.
For anyone who made it this far, a pretty rose adorning our umm rather average fence :-)
OK, time for the pity party to end, gotta go do stuff before the artifical energy of the anti-nausea drugs wears off completely!