Before we get started, I want to thank everyone who has emailed me and/or left comments along the way as I progress along this cancer treatment plan. Thank you for the encouragement and the thoughts and the well wishes.
Along with the good wishes comes something I am trying to work something out.
People keep telling me, "You've got a great attitude." They are amazed that I keep on going despite having cancer. "You're so brave. You're so strong."
This is where I get confused. Am I just supposed to lay down and die on the spot? I've got things I want to do! You should see the mountains of yarn and spinning stuff and material I have. Can't let those go to waste! I want to make stuff. I want to see stuff. I'm still alive and kicking, though some days/hours/minutes it is more like a shuffle. I fall in a heap on occasion but who wants to stay in a heap all the time? There's things to do and stuff to make and cats and husband to feed. And me to feed as well (I am hungry all the time - it seems that my body is frantically trying to replace all the cells that are killed off by the chemo, hopefully not the cancer ones though! Or maybe it is just the steroids trying to make me fat). Having my own 24/7 pity party is no fun whatsoever. Sometimes I wallow but generally I find there's better things to do! I'm not brave nor am I strong. I just keep on doing the things I have to do and the things I want to do as best I can. It's what I call living.
I don't want to offend anyone who thinks I've got a great attitude but really, my attitude sucks (compared to what I read on various online cancer boards and fora)! Most of the time I ignore that I have cancer. I take into account that I am not able to do everything I normally would, sometimes I can only do a fraction of normal stuff, but I do not spend every minute of every hour of every day thinking about cancer. That way lies madness! When I think about it a lot, I can get frantic and worried. But I don't like being scared. So I find ways of not being worried. (Hello craft!) And I don't think about it a lot.
Never tell me the odds.
My way of dealing with it is to suck on the treatment and try to get on with life as best I can. I am not angry with it, I am not fighting with it, it is just a part of me that I would rather go away. It's hijacked my body but getting angry with it won't help me any - angry hormones are stress hormones and they could make my cancer worse. I don't like being angry and upset, so I avoid doing things that make me angry or upset. I'm not fighting it either - that is the job of the chemo. I just tell it to go away, abide and wait and do some bits and bobs along the way, and endure. The best I can do is try to look after myself whilst I am on chemo and hope the treatment blasts the cancer into smithereens before I fall over!
So those of you who haven't gotten a reply to various encouraging emails or comments, you now know why. I am not sure what to write! "Thanks" from me is a good start. I don't want you to stop waving the flag for me and encouraging me, I just am a bit bushed about this great attitude thing. I feel awkward about it and sorta embarrassed - these accolades are being heaped on a far different (better) person to me! I'm just an average person, noone special. Whilst I can see the bright side of life and can enjoy things, I will. I hope I'll be able to enjoy many things for quite some time to come!
My next post should have some pics of a new project that I am starting. OK, I haven't finished the last project of its ilk but there's nothing like a new project to get the creative juices flowing!