At the moment I am totally surrounded by decisions. Completely hemmed in.
I don't "do" decisions.
I am having to plan everything, work out what fits in with what and work out what is best. This doesn't come easily to me either.
Funny, isn't it that whilst I am rather laissez faire and prefer to take things as they come, the fact that we are in visa limbo AGAIN, for the second time in a year, is crippling me.
Y'see we have to fly to Calgary to get our visas. We don't know how long it will take to get the visas after the interview. It might take a day for processing and a day for delivery (but there is a weekend in the way) or it might take a week or longer. Now I am sure Calgary is a nice place but it is going to be winter and we are going to be a long way from home with absolutely no friends or people we know nearby. We have limited funds (people have offered us loans if we need them but y'know I am really loath to ask for money) so it isn't like we are going to book a week of skiing at Banff or anything.
Heh. What is new? I don't have anyone to help me out here anyway - I need someone to talk to and work things out with but Nathan is busy doing his thesis and grumps at me if I interrupt him (but he is quite happy to chat with friends) and there is noone else here. Plus he has been going to a friend's house to set up a greenhouse and solar experiment. He gets some social outlet there. I sit at home and slowly dissolve. I am sad and lonely and crumbling under trying to take the responsibility for the move and trying to second guess what is going on and what will happen and trying to please people.
I should just let go and let it all happen but it won't happen at all if I do that. Take it one step at a time but I've gotten so worry-worted that I am totally conflicted. I don't know what to do - pack up the house and go to Canada, go to Canada and then pack up the house, what on earth will we do in Calgary for up to a week?, how will we afford it, etc. Instead of getting things done I sit in the corner and bibble.
Here's another thing that is pathetic. According to my stat counter I get about 160 hits a day on this blog. Now I am sure that most of those hits are from web-crawling bots that plug stuff into google and other search engines. They have to be. I have to believe that they are cos if I get 9 comments (one was a double comment of the 10) for my birthday out of 370-odd hits over the next couple of days, well, all I can say is how scabby are people for not even being able to drop a happy birthday comment! I don't think I am going OTT to day it is blasted rude not to say happy birthday particularly if you are a regular reader. I know I am guilty of not commenting on blogs as often as I could but I try to comment on the blogs with fewer commenters. It is nice to get comments! It is nice to think people wish you well for your birthday.
OK, grump out of the way. Actually it isn't, but I've expressed myself and I can't do more than that. I guess I'll go back to flicking fleece in preparation for our upcoming trip. We only have two, maybe three stops so far and they are all for Nathan's friends. Just outside Minneapolis, Philadelphia and Washington DC, though the latter is pretty wobbly cos our host is only available on this weekend and we won't get to Washington until Sunday afternoon unless I can figure out a way to get us from Fort Collins, where I have a knitting class on Thursday 6-7, to Denver by 8pm to get our luggage checked on board. It takes two days to get to Washington DC from here. I have no idea how we will occupy our time between Washington and Minnesota, where we have a Thanksgiving invite. We will have a week after Minnesota to wind our way home - maybe we go back to Chicago and then up through Buffalo and places to Boston, NYC, Philadelphia, back to Chicago, possibly Omaha and home. Maybe not. Even this sort of decision is killing me. The Amtrak site is about as useful as a slap in the face with a wet fish. As soon as you say you want to go from one place to another without listing the intermediate steps (eg Minneapolis to NYC) it says "no such route" cos you have to say Mn to Chicago, Chicago to NYC, etc. Plus I can see we are going to spend a lot of time on the train and I will be very hungry and dirty cos unless you cough up for a sleeper you don't seem to get bathing facilities. Ick. I'll have my spinning wheel in my carry on luggage - if I only have knitting and looking out the window to entertain me I'll go mad. Nathan will find a new friend or two onboard - he is talented like that.
Oh plus I need to get rid of some stash but I am terrified that if I sell stuff it could be construed as working and that is a breach of my visa, which means being chucked out of the US and not being allowed to return. That would put the kybosh on Nathan's new job and we'd be totally screwed.
The worst? Someone who is not so totally enmeshed will be able to see straight through all this and say do this, this and this. It will be blatantly obvious to them but I'm stuck in the middle of the trees and I can't see the big picture.