Thursday, January 07, 2010

Not a good post to read

I don't have much good to say today. I don't suggest you read what follows.
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I really do mean it.
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I went to the doctor today to get the last part of the puzzle of my cancer. I am a complete mess. I am trying to think of positives - I need some positives. My breast cancer is triple negative. Along with the grade III, poorly differentiated cells and aggressive nature of my cancer, I am losing hope for a good outcome (ie a cure). Tamoxifen will not help me. I was so hoping that it would be estrogen positive cos everyone I know who has had tamoxifen has done well. I have to set my sights lower. Heck, I'll be happy if I am in any shape to make it through next Christmas. It will be a miracle if I am still around in five years, let alone still around and healthy. Every box that can be ticked for a bad outcome is ticked on my pathology report.

How much more of this can I take? I have serapax to try to calm me down but I am not game to take it before I have to drive. I'm terrified.

Effity eff eff eff.

Just as well that I don't believe in fate or people deserving the things that happen to them because heck, what did I do to deserve this? I've done nothing to deserve it. I guess I've done nothing to not deserve it either, mind.

On Monday I go for scans to see if it has already spread into my liver and/or lungs and/or ribcage (I have a lump on a floating rib). And this type loves to go for brains. I should call it the zombie plague.

What do I do if I get even more bad news? (I think I will shrivel up and die if it has spread cos that is my very worst nightmare. My aunt died of breast cancer and between her and Mum, I'd much prefer to lose my marbles like my father did, or drop dead of a heart attack. Dying of cancer is a horrid and foul thing.)

I am a complete mess. This cancer is very likely to kill me. I don't want to die. I haven't finished with this life yet. Where am I going to find the courage to fight the cancer? I thought I was strong but it turns out that I am brittle, like a mighty oak that can't flex before the storm. I have to learn to be a tumbleweed and bounce along with the wind.

Why me? Why didn't I find this thing earlier? Why am I so lucky as to be blessed with this horror? Some people would say that it is a test of my spirit and we get set tests that are hard enough to make us stronger and better people. I say rubbish to that!

I need to get myself into gear and start fighting. I need to pull myself together and get a grip on myself.

I need a miracle.

37 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say and I'm crying my heart out for you. I don't pray and I don't know about karma but I'm thinking comforting, strengthening thoughts and thinking them about you.

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  2. I am so sorry to read about what you found out today. Do not try and be brave at all, it's probably time to let other people take care of you for a little bit while it all sinks in. Then you may be surprised that you do have an ability to cope.
    No-one does anything to deserve a horrible disease. I remember that when I found out I was sick, those stages of grief- I went through them. Somehow knowing I was going through them helped me- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Please feel free to swear profusely about me and my ideas, in fact do whatever you like that makes you feel better.
    Thinking of you, if there is anything I can do, let me know.
    Love Cindy and The Labradors

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  3. I'm very sorry Lynne, I"'ll be thinking of you.

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  4. ((((Lynne)))). I'm so sorry to hear your news. As Cindy 2paw said, this isn't the time to try to be brave. Be kind to yourself, and let others do the being strong for a while. There'll be time for fighting soon enough - but today, tomorrow, for however long it takes, you just need to allow the emotional roller-coaster to carry you along.

    You are in a very tough and scary place, and feeling scared and daunted is okay. As you said, it's not about 'deserving' to get sick. It's part of the crap that happens.

    Please know that you're loved by many people, and that you won't walk this road alone.

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  5. OK now I am really lost for words. Get angry. It probably won't help but might take your mind off being frightened witless. Take the serapax and get your dear husband to drive for you. (And I know he can if he has to. Right now I reckon he has to).

    Graham is referring to you as Kylie Minogue because I decided to go and get a mammogram two years earlier than I 'need' to. Ie. the Kylie Minogue effect (when thousands of thirty year olds had completely pointless mammograms). So if at any point you regain a shred of a sense of humour (and I don't blame you if you don't) try creative visualisation of yourself as a short blond budgie in tight gold shorts. Sorry, babbling, too hot and tired and shocked to say anything sensible.

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  6. Erin from Skein Street4:11 am

    Miracles can happen. I'll be thinking of you. By the way, a book that always seems to put me in the right frame of mind when something unexpected and not altogether good happens is the Secret. It's a quick read and it can brighten an otherwise cloudy situation.

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  7. Hug - thinking and praying for you and Nathan.

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  8. I'm sorry to read that. Wishing you the strength to face this. Time for you to demand the support you need.

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  9. Hi Lynne
    so sorry to hear the latest news. It's a huge chunk to have to bite off and digest.
    At some point, and you'll know when, you need to find a real live support group. This path has been taken by others before you -- they'll help you find your way -- you don't have to do this alone.

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  10. I'm so sorry, Lynne. I've been going through this with my sister -- diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer last year at this time -- she shouldn't have been here this Christmas, according to the first diagnosis. She was. She is. Let people help you. Wishing you all the best.

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  11. Sarah6:27 am

    You are in our thoughts and prayers, Lynne.

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  12. Oh my gosh. I don't know what to say. My heart is breaking for you. As many others have said, just let yourself feel whatever emotions you are feeling and let others take care of you. It's no time to put on a brave face - no one could be brave in the face of this news. Don't expect it of yourself. But I bet when some of this is digested you will find incredible strength too, strength you didn't even know you had! I'll be thinking of you.

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  13. This was not the news I wanted to read either. I'm so sorry that you are going through this Lynne, but please don't think you did anything to deserve this - cancer is indiscriminate.

    I agree with others who say that you should just let someone else take care of you. Don't worry about what you should or should not be doing.

    You have many friends around the world and if you believe at all in the power of positive thinking - then you have that on your side.

    Love from Alison

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  14. Lynne, I'm so sorry cancer has invaded your body. I hope for a cure, I hope for you to be well and I hope for many, MANY more years for you to enjoy your life.

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  15. Such terrible news, Lynne. I'm so sorry to hear it. What comfort can we offer you, except to say we are all thinking of you and sending loving thoughts. I've heard many others say that a support group was of great help, just for the opportunity to let off steam in a "safe" environment. That may be helpful at some point.

    Please know how much you mean to all your online friends...don't stop communicating with us, please. We all want to send our love and good thoughts as you deal with this.

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  16. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ. I'm just in shock reading your news, Lynne. I have like zero advice to offer, only my long-distance love & support. I guess I'd just say: don't borrow trouble from the future while you are muddling through the diagnosis process. The Meetup gang are all thinking of you & hoping for that miracle.

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  17. My thoughts are with you.

    Love,
    Pam

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  18. Hang in there Lynne. Lots of people are cheering you on.

    While many of us here wish we could do something for you, it's nice to know you are surrounded by family and long-time friends to help you through all this.

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  19. I am so very sorry to read this Lynne. I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you.

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  20. I am so sorry to hear such shitty news. Like the others, I'm sending strengthening, calming and positive thoughts to you.

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  21. Lynne, I am so sorry to hear the news. I don't know what to say other than I'll be thinking of you and I hope you get better.

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  22. You are in my thoughts, hugs to you.

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  23. Dear Lynne I wish I could be closer to give you a hug,Im in shock like the others,its not fair but do rest and let others help out for now until you at least, think more clearly.With the advances being made, never give up, and try to find some little things that can cheer you and give you purpose.
    I wont waffle on as I know theres nothing I can say that will make things better,maybe I dont have the right to give advice though It has touched my family more than once and is doing so again now.

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  24. Lynne - I have enjoyed your blog throughout the years and am so sorry to hear your news. Knowing how completely *undeserving* you or anyone else is of this, I hope that you can eventually find comfort and strength... and your miracle. My thoughts (and prayers if you would like them) are with you.

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  25. Oh. I'm so sorry it seems only to be getting worse and worse. I hope you can find the courage. I hope that you know that we are all holding you up for as long as you need us. I'm praying and hoping and wishing for you and Nathan and your family. I wish I could be there to give you a real hug.

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  26. Emily1:10 pm

    Oh, Lynne. I wish there was something I could say that would help you right now, but just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  27. chocolatetrudi4:45 pm

    I think everyone else has said everything already. So I'll just say...

    Fuck!

    (In the context of a exclamation of how crap and awful this news is, not as a suggested course of action.)

    (Though if that would make you feel better, go for it.)

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  28. Lynne,
    You are already discovering what DH and I found when he was diagnosed in 4/08 with lymphoma; people don't know what to say, and they say things that don't help. (I'm definitely not talking about your supportive commenters here.) So let me just suggest that if anyone says, "You have to be strong; fight this invader, be courageous, and win the battle; have a positive outlook or you won't survive," all those sorts of dictums, just remember that until a person comes smack dab up against cancer, it's not possible to know how that sort of advice feels. Even as his wife, I am not always able to help/grasp things, says DH, and that's why I second the support group idea. You will benefit by being with others who are in the same club you've joined, not just the loving, supportive but sometimes clueless family and friends and acquaintances who mean well but cannot always provide much in the way of insight. [[[[hugs]]]] ~Stacie

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  29. That is really sad news to hear Lynne. Good vibes to you - widshing all the best for you dear,

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  30. Hugs and prayers.

    So very many hugs. So very many prayers.

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  31. This is the most unfair thing I've ever read. Effity effity eff is pretty much how I'd sum it up as well. No platitudes here, only hope.

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  32. Hi Lynne,

    We're so sorry. If there's anything Olav and I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask. Monash were really good to Olav with his chemo treatment, they really look after people there. Hugs,
    Polly & Olav.

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  33. Anonymous11:25 am

    You take it one day at a time. One battle at a time. You are stronger than you think you are. If someone had told me three years ago the things I am no longer afraid of and did to fight cancer - I would have told them they were crazy. It is very overwhelming now. Take it one step at a time. You don't now what the Pet/Ct will show. You don't know how your body will respond to Chemo and/ or surgery. Chemo is scary but you can do it. Cancer treatment has changed greatly in the last couple of years. They have drugs for the nasueaand other bad side effects.
    Take a deep breath - one step at a time.

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  34. Many swear words not fit for print.

    Lynne, you are family to a great many people. If there is anything you need or want, please don't be shy about asking - whether that means being there to talk to, helping out with the day to day so that you can focus on what you need to focus on, or just giving you the space you need. Whatever.

    Still haven't run out of swear words.

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  35. ****HUGS**** from P and Me and the two kits...

    If you need ANYTHING, or cryspace, or someone to scream about the unfairness of the world at, or just somewhere to go where you can be YOU, get in touch. We'll be around the corner from where we used to be when you need us.

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  36. My thoughts and positive energies go out to you.

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  37. If nothing else the 36 previous commenters should give you an indication of how much and how many people care about you and are there to support you. Looking after yourself is so important right now in whatever manner that is for you: support group, blogging, family, knitting, whatever. Do whatever it is that makes you feel safe, comfortable and calm and somebody else doing the driving is probably a good thing to! Thinking of you and your family and hoping with all my heart that you and your awesome heart are around for a very long time to come.

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I enjoy getting comments but if I don't have your email address, I may not be able to reply 8-\
I'm trying various commenting things so that I can reply to your comments within blogger itself.