Saturday, April 05, 2014

Here and there

G'day all!

Still all over the shop here at our new Modest Manor.  I've been playing way too much 2048 in its various guises (doge2048 crashes my video card badly - the monitor says it is getting no input!).  The problem with playing games like that is I get to mull over things.  And at the moment I don't like what I'm mulling over.

Many years ago, more years than I care to think about, I did something that was quite quite bad to someone who deserved so much better treatment.  I was young and foolish, and I hurt someone deeply.

An image of beauty to offset the nasty.

Did you know I'm a cheater?

Yep, I cheated on my first boyfriend.  I learned the error of my ways, and what I did still haunts me to this day.  It was wrong on so many levels.  I had reasons, I had excuses but I did the wrong thing.  It has informed me for oh so many years, trying to be careful not to make that same mistake again.

You can see the phone's imperfect stitching - maybe it will distract you from the narsty nasty.


It is strange looking back and thinking, "Ah, that is why I do that!" and "Now I understand why I react in such a way to certain events."  They are triggers for what I did way back when, they evoke memories that I buried or did my best to forget.  I guess I never really dealt with what I did because it horrified me so much when I realised the damage I had done.

Distracting enough?


I hadn't even known I could cause such hurt.  Me.   How could I cause such hurt?  How could my actions pain someone so much?  I was a nobody, a rather shy, silly girl with no experience of boys or men, desperate to be liked, desperate to be wanted by someone, desperate to be worthy of attention.  And I had that in spades and I now think I didn't know how to handle it, and I threw it away.  He ended up far far away, communications were in the dark ages of snail mail, and I wanted to read certain words, which were not forthcoming because, as it turned out, I wasn't the only one scared of what had happened to me.

It is strange now seeing the patterns, seeing how everything fell together and became a perfect storm, my upbringing in a rather stiff upper lip household, being the baby of the family, having pretty much no self-esteem or self-understanding, being protected and unaware that I had any power...  Being totally unprepared for the intensity of what hit me.


I feel sad for that girl and that boy.  Neither of them knew how to deal with such an intense relationship.  They were both only kids.  One of them was me, but in some ways I'm barely recognisable now (and not just because of years, wrinkles and a handful of extra kilos).  There's nothing that can be done about it, it is water long under the bridge.  I apologised many years ago, the apology was accepted, it should be done.  But it isn't.  Not for me.  I not only hurt him, I damaged me.  It was a terrible way to discover that I do have power over a very few people, that my actions have repercussions.  And I knew at the time it was the wrong thing to do but I did it anyway.  If I had known what I know now, I would never have done it.  But I was young and stupid and so very needy.

Some things don't blow over.

It helped make me who I am today.  I hope it made me a better person, one who learned from a mistake that she still regrets.  It sent me down a different path and I would not be who I am today, talking to you now, so I guess it isn't all bad :-}

--

Wouldn't you look wary if your
boobs were about to go in the
squishomatic?


I had my 3.5 year cancer check up on Thursday.  Mammos were "beautiful" so now I can prance around and say my boobs are beautiful, even with the rather obvious scar on one.  (It is a fantastic way to embarrass guys, just sayin'.)  My bloods were fine (though two of the cancer markers hadn't been done) and I'm awaiting results of the chest xray.  I expect if there was anything bad, they would've rung me.

So it appears that I am still dancing with NED (you would think I had learned my lesson in cheating but No Evidence of Disease is one guy I wish to continue dancing with!) and can continue to harrass the internet with ramblings.

Cherry walk by Seattle Cancer Care Alliance

I asked about the breathing thing.  They said it is possible that radiotherapy damaged my right lung - it does have scarring but that could be from anything.  I know have to go see a pulmonologist.  Sigh.  I'm sick of seeing specialists.  I have to see a dermatologist and a gastro too - one to check my moles, the other to do an up and down on me as my sister terms them.  I hate going to see doctors but I hate the idea of dying more.  And I'd like to be able to breathe.  I'm practising belly breathing but that means burping a lot and I still have issues when I'm getting in the aerobic zone.  (And anyone who says karma is a female dog, it sure took its time to kick in!)


Yeah, I have pics on the big camera
but deal with these crappy phone shots


I finished a jumper (sweater) for me and I've even worn it several times, enough times that the low twist merino yarn in it is pilling.  Sigh.  I'll see if I can find pics to upload for you.


All that work on my butt muscles
is working, yay!

It's called 3-in-1 and it was a fun knit.  The two by two stripes up the body make it feel fast to knit.  I had to add the purple bits because I didn't have enough contrast colour to finish the thing.  It was all made with stash yarn.  Yay me!


Vintage buttons from the button jar

I really need at least three buttons but I only found two of these lovely pearlescent glass buttons in my button jar.  I presume Mum bought them many many years ago or (more likely) cut them off something.  I figured they would do very nicely.

Socks for me!


I also finished some socks in String Theory's Continuum, in colourway "Vulcan."  Yes of course I bought that colourway even though it is the wrong Vulcan.   Alas, you get one really crappy shot because I wore them on a very dull day (cos umm merino cashmere socks on a cool day?  Lovely!) so a photo shoot was out of the question really.

Spring is springing gloriously here.  We missed out on the terrible cold that hit the east side of the States.  Admittedly we got much more cold and snow than we did last year (last year was very mild with NO snow for us and very little freezing!) but Spring is roaring in madly.  It is so pretty here at the moment.  The early daffodils are done, the late ones have peaked, the hyacinths are pretty much done, the tulips are coming in beautifully along with the bluebells, the grape hyacinths are in full bloom...  The pink cherry plums are done, the other flowering cherries are almost done, the crab apples are coming in, the trees are springing into leaf....

On Sunday I'm off to San Juan Island for a knitting retreat.  I'm looking forward to it.  Last year I was terrified, now I know what the deal is and I'm anticipating a great week.  DH will be on his own.  I expect to come home to a dishwasher full of clean dishes (just as I left it) and a week's worth of breakfast bowls awaiting someone to put them in the dishwasher.  Pity he doesn't have five cups for his morning coffee, eh?  He'll have to wash one!

anon!

3 comments:

  1. I wonder if the first boyfriend still feels hurt? I know people hurt me when I was young but thinking about it now I realise I've let go and in a way their hurting me just made me stronger in the long run, so in a way they gave me a gift of a valuable life lesson. So who knows maybe he's okay with it? I think you should forgive yourself too, you've obviously learnt from your mistake. Maybe you could give your young self a big hug and tell her it's okay.
    Your 3 in one jumper is really fun. I love the way the sleeves really do look like layers. Have fun at your knitting retreat.

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  2. I love this blog, it touches me on a personal level. Thank you xx

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  3. I am so pleased you squishing went well, and I share your feelings about specialist, but they do keep one alive so must be endured. Love your jumper, the stripes are fabulous and I thought the purple was planned!!
    Our past life makes us who we are today. Let her without sin cast the first stone I say, and it sounds weird, even though it is the same pronoun as him. Feeling guilt is having a conscience, which can be bad, but in the end I'd rather have one too!!

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